"Will You Read My Writing?"

Short Answer: Nope.

Long Answer: My buddies, like I've mentioned before, have this charming habit of introducing me as a "writer." It would probably be more accurate, at this point in my life, to describe me as "a cubicle-dweller who often skips work to write," but they extend me this privilege, and I do appreciate it.

Unfortunately, there exists a downside to this. I'll be sitting in this here coffeeshop, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and typing furiously, and there'll be a tap on my shoulder. I'll look up, and there will be some mopey teenager with a notebook in his hand, brushing the emo mop out of his eyes as he says, trying to be casual: hey-could-you-just-read-this-thing-I-wrote-it's-not-very-good-but-you-know-whatever.

First of all, folks, let's get something straight. I write fiction. I am not a journalist. I am not a poet. And I am definitely not your goddamn psychiatrist. This last one is especially important. To date, not one person has approached me in the coffeeshop with a piece of actual fiction and asked me to read it.

Rather, the kid in question always hands me a notebook in which he has scribbled the endless, intractable problems which have plagued his young and tragic life. Popular topics include My Mom Being a Bitch, School Being Stupid, Girls Being Mean To Me, and of course, How Hard It Is To Be a Teenager.

First of all: I know it's hard to be a teenager. I used to be one. Don't make me relive that melodramatic crap, okay?

Second of all: Personal experience can and does make for fine writing material. However, if it's not at least set up like fiction - i.e. dialogue with description of surroundings and sometimes the character's thoughts - then it's really just pointless exposition. Nobody wants to read four chicken-scratched pages of you whining about some girl who won't fuck you.

"But John," you say. "Does that mean that you WILL read my writing if it's honest-to-Mithra fiction?"

Here we wade into deeper waters. The answer: maybe.

The problem here is that most people, regardless of what they may claim, cannot take a little criticism without getting bitchy. People naturally overestimate the quality of their writing. This tendency actually seems to be strongest in those who haven't been writing very long, which means the bitchiest primadonna writers are almost always the ones who need the most work. You will have to forgive me if I don't want to give criticism to some angsty kid who won't do anything with it, and who will call me an asshole in the bargain.

So. If I've known you for a while, and you give off an air of genuine concern for the quality of your writing, and I really, REALLY think you'll listen to what I say, then hey, I might read your writing. Otherwise, don't even ask. I will be suddenly and mysteriously busy.