Here's a Helpful Tip

You can't write a good story from first-person perspective about a well and truly moral person.

There. There it is. Now you're a writer.

Seriously, though. I was sitting here, plugging away at my damn novel, when I got this terrifying feeling of recognition, the feeling that I had seen this bad boy before. Specifically, it was starting to look and feel like the stale shit those hapless fucks in my first workshop pumped out.*

Panic. I've been pouring my blood, sweat and tears into this fucking thing. And now it's OFF, even for an early draft, this bad boy just has something truly, deeply, unsettlingly inhuman going on in it. But what? WHAT, damn you?!?

And then it occurred to me: This character is such a fucking nice guy. He doesn't have flaws, except ones he is working on with earnest determination and a plucky attitude. He's like somebody you'd meet at a fucking AA meeting or something (and don't start with me, I know from experience).

"Well shit, Johnny," you say. "Guess you'll have to scrap that fucker."

HELL no. Because you know, that prick at the AA meeting? The one who's all understanding and determination? Statistical evidence he goes home and belts back a couple shots. And hey, that's just from membership surveys. He probably also laughs at homeless people and says negative things about nice people. He sneaks out of bed at night, careful not to wake his wife, and meets up with some 22-year-old flygirl wearing naught but leather boots and a smile.

Bet you wanna read a book about THAT guy. I know I do.

So, rather than just scrapping what I've got, I'm going to show this guy's ugly side, too.

Beginning draft 2...






*When I describe my first workshop as "hapless fucks," I am specifically exempting aspiring sci-fi writer Benjamin Wheeler from the characterization. Hey, Ben, it's that dude from RCTC, the one with the drunk stories. Hope you're on paper somewhere.